Heaven On Their Minds
by michelcz
Summary: Spoiler for season 9! What was behind the GSR break up? Grillows
1. Chapter 1

**HEAVEN ON THEIR MINDS**

Author: Michelcz

Characters: Catherine Willows, Gil Grissom, Sara Sidle

Rating: CSI - 1

Spoiler: season 9 - The Happy Place

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. I've just been borrowing them and trying to have a fun.

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A/N: This story is written as a reaction on the latest episode. It has four parts. Stay tuned!!

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**Sara****'****s POV**

I can't believe it. No, I can't believe the nerve of that man. What the hell is he thinking about himself? I thought I know him but somehow I missed the sign telling me "only-person-who-knows-me-is-Catherine-Willows". Now, I've finally seen that sing and started question myself if everything what had happened during the last three years was a lie. One big lie.

_Flashback _

"_I mean sooner or later, relationships in stases wither. He get angry. Even more the safety to not mature alone.__"_

"_Then he should just walk away.__"_

"_Maybe he couldn__'__t. Maybe he needed her to leave him.__"_

"_Who are we talking about now?__"_

_End of flashback_

I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe it's due to the complications which were in our relationship from the day one. Even though I was the woman he was with her, I still felt some kind of completion. Yeah, it was still here. It also had and has a name. The one and only Catherine Willows. From the first day in Las Vegas, I've been compared with that woman. She's something. Every single man has been after her but she was and is an unobtainable specimen. Her past is full of dark places and mistakes which were made by her careless decisions but it didn't matter to anyone. I know that I'm not innocent but still I have a better records than she. I've had to fight for everything in my life. And despite that, I wasn't able to catch the attention of the only man I've ever wanted. So I decided to wait. To be patient because I was so sure that Catherine Willows were about to screw up everything up soon and I wanted to be prepared for that moment.

It took a lot of energy and persuasion. I thought I was jinxed but finally the day-D occurred and my time came. I could open my hand and show the cards. Carefully taken steps were bringing theirs fruit. I snatched Gil under her snobbish nose and started making myself irreplaceable but as I can see now it didn't help me.

And If I would be frank with myself, I have to admit aloud that I really wasn't a priority for him. Maybe only when I was kidnapped by that Natalie freak. Maybe only then but I'm not entirely sure about it. We could be together, it doesn't matter if it was before or after the kidnapping, we could be living together under one roof but….. Something was missing. Something very important. Sometimes, I thought that even the table is more interesting than I am. Now, I know it meant that I've been in this relationship by a pure coincidence. I didn't snatch him. I was chosen by him because he was able to read in my obsession. So, in the moment he had to choose between two women, he'd chosen me. I was the safer bet for him.

So when I've taken my last look around the place where I lived with him, I don't see myself in any object in this house. Everything I can see is he and his precious Catherine. I've never belonged here. What the hell have I been thinking?

It was always only about her. Never about me. Never.


	2. Gil

Heaven On Their Minds 2/4

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. I've just borrowed the characters and tried to have a fun.

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**Gil's POV**

I don't know how I did it. I don't know what was the breaking point. Where I gathered the courage to say it aloud. To speak about the things which were weighed upon my mind since she left me last year. Suddenly, I feel so free. The whole messy situation connected with Warrick's death and Sara's arrival is gone and I can breath a little. It's not much but still it's something even though the memories of the fateful day will haunt me for the rest of my life. But it's not a kind thing to say, I can breath a bit easier now.

I know that when I now put the key into the lock of my townhouse, she already will be packed and on her way to San Francisco. It's going to be only Hank and I again but … No, that's not entire true and I know it well. I've been looking for a way from this messy relationship, relationship in stasis, for a few months. I was tempted to tell it her when we talked on the phone but I couldn't do it. I had to face her. I hoped it would happen in the right moment and not in a mess like this one. So now I had to find a way how to face someone from my past but also my future. At least I hope in it. And the sentence from the latest interrogation is heavily sounding on my mind. I can't get it out of my system. Maybe I needed to hear something like this so I could wish for a brighter future but with some major changes in my life of this day.

"_Have you ever loved someone so much that you__'__ll kill for them?__"_

I could try to make something up about the breaking up with Sara. I could pretend that I have been seeing some else and this was the reason for it but we both know that the truth is somewhere else. Everything started to fall apart after Sara's kidnapping. I thought we're one of the couples which are able to stand next to each other in every situation. Lean on each other and rely on each other. However, nothing like this happen and we started to drift apart. Some one could try to tell me I was starting to be paranoid. I was looking for something what didn't exist. But I knew that feeling when everything start to fall apart. I went through that experience already few times in the past fifty years. All it became a disappointment for me and I've started building the walls around me. I couldn't let anyone to hurt me again even though I was often the one who caused the rift between me and the people I've loved. I drove everyone away so I would not have been hurt by anyone.

The worst thing I've ever done was to hurt the person who cared for me the most. I know very well that she and I had and still have something more than friendship between us even more I think that was also the reason why I decided to push her away. It's true I had a lot of acquaintances, or maybe I'm supposed to call it one night stands. This is a part of my old life. Life before Las Vegas. Life before I met Catherine. Life before I lost my minds and got together with Sara. Now, when I'm thinking this over, I had a distant feeling that I really did something crazy. I was driven by fear into her arms. By feeling of loneliness. By feeling of unworthy. And finally by my own cowardliness.

Only time will show what is left in the book of fate for me. I can hope only for the best although I still have the obnoxious feeling of unworthiness. I know I am biased when it comes to me but I must be. Every one says simple things about me they have no courage to talk to me because they're afraid of rage I could show. Afraid of my cold mask and demanding behavior. Afraid of losing themselves in my presence if they would come a few steps nearer to me.

Only one person on this world can stand me the way I am. She, yeah, I'm talking about a woman, is most considering, giving, beautiful and kind person who I've ever known. She brought the light into my life. She took all my sorrow away. She gave me the moments I'll cherish for the rest of my life. She gave me family even though I was not always the best friend you would wish for. She is exceptional woman. Yeah, Catherine's that way and she has always taken everything from me and stayed without hesitation next to me in good and bad times. I love her for it.

Oh gosh, that's it. Here is the reason why I found the courage to say everything loudly last night. Love in my heart which is present for more than twenty years for this brave and sassy woman, gave me the strength to act on my feelings.

The feelings hidden at the bottom of my heart. The feelings which were never showed to the one for which are held. The feelings which are waiting to said to her. Only for her.


	3. Catherine

**Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. I've just borrowed it and trying to have some fun with it.**

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A/N: Hi guys, I apologize for taking time to post another chapter but my comp had been doing some funny things and I ended with a reinstallation of Windows. So here's a new chapter. The last one would be posted in a few days.

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 **Cath's POV**

I don't know what to think about how the whole situation has turned out. I just really can't believe that he had courage to do something like this.

I didn't want to stand here and overhear their conversation but maybe I did. Firstly, I thought they've been talking about one of Sara's old cases which was now under Greg's investigation and he left Sara to deal with the consequences of the proxy murder. But suddenly the whole conversation changed the direction and it became about them. He basically told her to back off out of his life and never ever come back. Something inside that man has snapped after the death of one of his oldest friends. It had happened to all of us.

We all are trying to find the right way to move on. But he was caught in a trap called a grief. The trap which likes to sneak on the people, take them wholly down and leave them without single breath. Live would be drained out of them.

So now I'm just thinking about the occurred situation and drinking the drink of my heart, screwdriver. I'm alone again and only companion of mine is a reminder of old times with Gil Grissom. A silent witness of both of sad and happy times. Tearful and tender moments. Angry rows and sweet making ups between two friends. An old couch has been the witness of our flirtatious relationship and his father-daughter moments with Lindsey from the moment she was born. From the moment his eyes laid on the face of my daughter she has been his more than Eddie's.

Their so obvious love for each other could be showed freely and everyone could have seen in every single gesture. Meanwhile, Lindsey could show her feeling for that man I must hide them from him even though his piercing gaze has worked almost every time when he tried reading in me. It worked almost every time but fortunately sometimes he was blind. I was luck enough that it was in this matter. At least, I had been entirely sure with it till the last night. Now, I don't know what is true or lie.

It was years ago when I'd started to believe in a theory of mine that he's been afraid of his feelings. He is one of the men who's easily hurt, bruised and hard to comfort. If you broke through one of his high defense walls, he'd build a new one quite quickly. If you caught a glimpse of his spirit, he'd conceal all his feelings and shut down against you.

I couldn't give up on him even after I heard so many hurtful comments about my life from him, all his lies and spiteful situations. I've loved him since I saw him entering the French palace and start with an investigation of Stephanie's murder. It wasn't just another homicide investigation for both of us. It was a new beginning and a new chapter in our lives. It was love on the first sight.

I've spent so many years longing for him and day dreaming about our virtual future. After the realization he had found someone else in his life, I had left only my old dreams and wishes. Slowly, I've stopped believing in love between us. We started to drift apart more and more. The most difficult hurdle between us had a name, Sara. I've never felt hurt so much like I felt in the moment, I've learnt about their relationship. That they were more than colleagues. They were lovers.

It was a world shattering experience for me. I've lost all my left hopes and dreams which I still allowed to think about.

Most of my world was shattered and ruined. I had left only one good thing in my life, Lindsey. Now, I feel I can start to believe again. I can hope in a better promising future. I believe in us again. I believe in fate bringing us finally together.


	4. Epilogue

**A/N: **Hi guys, I´ve finally found time to finish this story. You know that sometimes it´s impossible to write when the real life sucks. And that´s what had happened in my case. I hope you´ll like the end of this small ficlet. Please, be kind.

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**Epilogue**

"If you obey all the rules, you'll miss the fun." –Katharine Hepburn

A year can be 365 days or 8760 hours or 525 600 minutes like is sung in the Seasons of love song. Lots of people can tell you that year is nothing in their lives but most of people like telling about the things they've accomplished during that amount of time. I used to belong to the second group. Lots of bad things used to happen to me during the years and I've stopped to believe in a better life. Suddenly, my life-time opportunity came and I could start my own life without looking back. Without a hesitation. Without my longtime habits.

It happened only a year ago when my whole life changed. I used to be an old grumpy crime scene investigator who didn't believe to the people. Ok, I believed in them but not entirely. Over the years, I've met only few people who earned my trust and I was also the one who let them to drift away from me due to the worst mistake I've ever done. I chose the wrong woman for me because I was afraid of rejection. But now I know it. This hard earned knowledge cost me lots of in my former life.

I almost lost someone who had been so dear to my heart and I totally lost the right life way. I was sucked by an unstable woman in the dark side. I've lost two precious years of my life with someone who didn't give me anything precious. I had to do lots of drastic changes in my life so I could finally see the things in the right light.

Firstly, I quit the supervisor position in the lab and decided to leave. Decided to take a road to Mexico and tried to find my self-confidence and dignity. Warrick's death took a toll on me so much that I'd stopped communicating with everyone. Almost everyone. The only person, who helped me to see the things right way, was Heather. She took me under her roof and gave me time to recuperate. All that helped me to solve my problems and find my way back.

Secondly, even though I'd been playing with the idea of spending rest of my life in Mexico, I decided to come back. This place had a really magnificent magnet for me. That magnet always had and has a name, Catherine Willows. The only woman who let me be myself in every situation has ever occurred, and never tried to change me. The woman who captured my heart in the moment I saw her. She was one of the main reasons why I decided to come back and start teaching at the university.

And finally, I've decided to give another chance to myself. An another chance to find my true love and my soulmate. I had to let decide fate about the rest of my life. I had to hope I hadn´t hurt her too much and could earn her trust and love again. Yeah, I´m now pretty sure about ours mutual feelings for each other. It just took me a long time to see the things in the right light and let them take over my personality.

Now, I know I couldn't make a better decision when I finally set up my mind on coming back. When I took the position at the university and surprised her with my presence in Las Vegas. It all started with small deliveries and ended with this occasion, formal occasion. With something I hated for all my life until now. In this moment, I have everything all I need in my arms and know that it will be that way in the future. I, an absolutely hermetically closed man, want to freeze the time and get stuck in the moment and feeling of pure bliss and shout it from the top of the roofs.

And what is it in my embrace? Not what but who is the right beginníng of the question. Because I hold my whole world in my arms. My wife, Catherine Grissom.

_I'm 15 for a moment  
Caught in between 10 and 20  
And I'm just dreaming  
Counting the ways to where you are_

_I'm 22 for a moment  
She feels better than ever  
And we're on fire  
Making our way back from Mars_

_15 there's still time for you  
Time to buy and time to lose  
15, there's never a wish better than this  
When you only got 100 years to live_

_I'm 33 for a moment  
Still the man, but you see I'm a they  
A kid on the way  
A family on my mind_

_I'm 45 for a moment  
The sea is high  
And I'm heading into a crisis  
Chasing the years of my life_

_15 there's still time for you  
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself  
Within a morning star_

_15 I'm all right with you  
15, there's never a wish better than this  
When you only got 100 years to live_

_Half time goes by  
Suddenly you're wise  
Another blink of an eye  
67 is gone  
The sun is getting high  
We're moving on..._

_I'm 99 for a moment  
Dying for just another moment  
And I'm just dreaming  
Counting the ways to where you are_

_15 there's still time for you  
22 I feel her too  
33 you're on your way  
Every day's a new day..._

_15 there's still time for you  
Time to buy and time to choose  
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this  
When you only got 100 years to live_


End file.
